Missed my shot (Bummer warning)

This is more of a vent so if you are in a really good mood and don't want me to mope you down, don't read.

You have been warned.


Sometimes it's hard not to feel like I missed my shot.

I try to stay positive most of the time but that's not always easy to do; this is especially true when I start down the rabbit hole of looking for jobs or opportunities on the internet. 

I knew the things that I was interested in when I went to college but I didn't have the guts to actually pursue those interests back then. 

Now, I'm married with kids and a job with medical insurance and...I'm just where I am. 

To be clear the married with kids and a reasonably secure job is a good thing, but my brain doesn't always think so. And, I swear on my life that the next person to tell me to find my passion is going to get slapped in their face. 

Anyways, I know that there are people who somehow manage to develop those skills that they missed out on later in life but I don't have the money or the time or the focus. I've struggled with this for over a decade and it doesn't help that I have manias on a regular basis that pull me into different interests from week to week. 

I look into these new subjects like I'm struggling to climb up on that floating piece of wood in the Titanic movie. 

Oh right. He didn't really try that hard. 

I meant to say that I scramble over those interests like I'm drowning and reaching for my one last hope. This is a problem for, just--so many reasons.

First off it makes it hard to focus on my family and being in the moment when I'm spending time with my kids and my wife. 

Actually...

It sort of makes it hard for me to focus and pay attention to any one thing. Because every hour of the day I have a moment where I think about whether or not I've done something to improve my skill or ability to make a life for myself and my family in that field. Of course, I haven't--because nobody has that kind of time unless they are single and mostly alone. 

As my one-time therapist tried to say to me at the end of one session, we end up where we are because of the decisions that we make. 

I don't know why he said that or why he thought that would be helpful because that isn't my problem. If anything I blame myself too much for the "mistakes" that I've made in my life. In hindsight, I see that I didn't have all of the information and that I clearly didn't have the experience to make different life choices, which is something to think about. 

I watched this TED talk from Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I'll find the youtube link and put it on here in a minute. 

He talks about how--it could be considered a problem that we post things on social media in a desire for attention. I don't think he really means it in a condemning way but I did get a little defensive. 

I think that the things that I make or post would be better if I was always doing them for purely artistic or expressive reasons but the reality is, I want a different job. I want to have more control over my income and I think that a social media post is the result of that desire more than anything else. It's hard to sit and try and make something artistic when the concerns of finance and medical insurance are weighing on your mind. 

I mean, do you have any idea how much I would have to make to be able to make my own stuff and have medical insurance for my family. 

Hint: it's a lot. 

Anyways. Overall, I'm good and happy in my life but every once in a while I go a little crazy and get a little bummed out. Does anyone else out there do this or is this my unique kind of crazy...let me know...for the love of god, please let me know, I need comments and attention to live!